Saturday, May 02, 2009
Friday, May 01, 2009
The Irish Bagpiper
As a bagpiper, I was asked by a funeral director to play at a graveside service for a homeless man who had no family or friends. The funeral was to be held at a cemetery in the remote countryside and this man would be the first to be laid to rest there.
As I was not familiar with the backwoods area, I became lost and being a typical man, did not stop for directions. I finally arrived an hour late. I saw the backhoe and the crew who were eating lunch but the hearse was nowhere in sight.
I apologized to the workers for my tardiness and stepped to the side of the open grave where I saw the vault lid already in place.
I assured the workers I would not hold them up for long but this was the proper thing to do. The workers gathered around, still eating their lunch. I played out my heart and soul.
As I played the workers began to weep. I played and I played like I'd never played before, from Going Home and The Lord is My Shepherd to Flowers of the Forest. I closed the lengthy session with Amazing Grace and walked to my car..
As I was opening the door and taking off my coat, I overheard one of the workers saying to another, "Sweet Jeezuz, Mary'n Joseph, I never seen nothin' like that before and I've been putting in septic tanks for twenty years."
As I was not familiar with the backwoods area, I became lost and being a typical man, did not stop for directions. I finally arrived an hour late. I saw the backhoe and the crew who were eating lunch but the hearse was nowhere in sight.
I apologized to the workers for my tardiness and stepped to the side of the open grave where I saw the vault lid already in place.
I assured the workers I would not hold them up for long but this was the proper thing to do. The workers gathered around, still eating their lunch. I played out my heart and soul.
As I played the workers began to weep. I played and I played like I'd never played before, from Going Home and The Lord is My Shepherd to Flowers of the Forest. I closed the lengthy session with Amazing Grace and walked to my car..
As I was opening the door and taking off my coat, I overheard one of the workers saying to another, "Sweet Jeezuz, Mary'n Joseph, I never seen nothin' like that before and I've been putting in septic tanks for twenty years."
Monday, April 13, 2009
Toxic Personalities
Quick Miami rundown:
The following people are to be avoided at all costs:
1) People who compliment one person by insulting another. “Hey…HEY…most girls I know are STUPID…but YOU….” (props to Suarez for having a lunatic friend who actually pulls this shit on women in clubs).
2) People who blurt out vivid details of your personal life in a drunken SARAH stupor.
3) People who point out gleefully that your step-sister is not your sister, nor is she family, then act like they didn’t do anything wrong when you call them on their stupidity.
4) People (girls) who flirt like crazy with you despite the fact that they have boyfriends, then get all mad at you when you cross some invisible line with them that only they can see but you can’t. “You can kiss me on the lips but touch my ass BACK OFF!!!”
5) People (Ana) who rip on you endlessly, but when you do it back to them, they get all pissy and offended. If you can’t take it, don’t dish it out. Beeyatch.
More to follow…
The following people are to be avoided at all costs:
1) People who compliment one person by insulting another. “Hey…HEY…most girls I know are STUPID…but YOU….” (props to Suarez for having a lunatic friend who actually pulls this shit on women in clubs).
2) People who blurt out vivid details of your personal life in a drunken SARAH stupor.
3) People who point out gleefully that your step-sister is not your sister, nor is she family, then act like they didn’t do anything wrong when you call them on their stupidity.
4) People (girls) who flirt like crazy with you despite the fact that they have boyfriends, then get all mad at you when you cross some invisible line with them that only they can see but you can’t. “You can kiss me on the lips but touch my ass BACK OFF!!!”
5) People (Ana) who rip on you endlessly, but when you do it back to them, they get all pissy and offended. If you can’t take it, don’t dish it out. Beeyatch.
More to follow…
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