Swine Flu Update

Everybody on television is all concerned about swine flu or pig flu or whatever they’re calling it at the moment.

I’m very extremely worried myself. I’ve compiled a list of warning signs that will help you determine if you have the swine flu or if you may be coming down with the swine flu.

1. Itchy Bottom: if your bottom (hiney) itches it may not be hemorrhoids. It may be your skin reacting negatively to the growth of a new, curly tail.

2. New Curly Tail: enough said.

3. Pink: if your skin is suddenly turning pink and it has never been pink, think flu.

4. Pug Nosedness: be careful to examine your nose daily. The transformation of your common human nose to a pig-like nose may be a first warning sign.

5. Affinity for Slop: if you are beginning to have an urge to roll around in mud and eat nasty leftovers from McDonald’s that you find in the floorboard of your vehicle, seek medical help.

6. Insults: if you are a policeman and someone yells, “Hey, pig!” don’t be too alarmed. Otherwise…911.

7. Snorting: many people find that snorting accompanies the pig flu syndrome. Snoring does not count, but if your snoring does sound something like a pig’s rutting seek help anyway.

8. Overeating: don’t make a pig of yourself. The swine flu will do that for you.

9. Dietary Repulsion: if the only type of food that repulses you is pork, you are either Muslim / Jewish or you have the swine flu or both.

I just tried phoned the NHS emergency 'Swine Flu' helpline but all i get is crackling

On your way to work on the bus/train/tube? Pretend you're on the phone and talk about your 4 week tour of mexico. Hang up. Then sneeze

Holiday packages to Mexico can now be had for under 20! - Prices not to be sneezed at

A mate of mine has just found out that he has swine fever but its ok........ his doctor gave him some oinkment for it

think I have that swine, pig flu thingy..... I'm coming out in rashers

I wonder if Swine flue gives you the trots??

Let's Win at Super Mario 3: Memory card game perfect strategy

Memory card game perfect strategy. Link for download

The Irish Bagpiper

As a bagpiper, I was asked by a funeral director to play at a graveside service for a homeless man who had no family or friends. The funeral was to be held at a cemetery in the remote countryside and this man would be the first to be laid to rest there.

As I was not familiar with the backwoods area, I became lost and being a typical man, did not stop for directions. I finally arrived an hour late. I saw the backhoe and the crew who were eating lunch but the hearse was nowhere in sight.

I apologized to the workers for my tardiness and stepped to the side of the open grave where I saw the vault lid already in place.

I assured the workers I would not hold them up for long but this was the proper thing to do. The workers gathered around, still eating their lunch. I played out my heart and soul.

As I played the workers began to weep. I played and I played like I'd never played before, from Going Home and The Lord is My Shepherd to Flowers of the Forest. I closed the lengthy session with Amazing Grace and walked to my car..

As I was opening the door and taking off my coat, I overheard one of the workers saying to another, "Sweet Jeezuz, Mary'n Joseph, I never seen nothin' like that before and I've been putting in septic tanks for twenty years."