Sunday, January 14, 2007


You can always tell a man who is a non-conformist, because he looks just like every other non-conformist.

My secretary stopped answering the phone. She said, "It's always for you."

A better deadline for our taxes than April 15 . . . how about February 31?

Goodbye, tension ... Hello, pension!

God gives every bird it's food ... but he doesn't throw it into its nest.

Hindsight is an exact science.

Forget the health food. I need all the preservatives I can get.

Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your mouth is moving.

Forbidden fruit creates many jams.

History repeats itself anyway...
plagiarism saves time.

2 people in every 1 is a schizophrenic.

Forgive your enemies. It messes with their heads.

Our government really takes care of us.
They even give us free income tax forms!

Medicine may be the only profession that labors incessantly to destroy the reason for its own existence.

The world has seen many spectacular advances in communications (with satellites and all), but the quickest is still the "wink".

The reason that there were fewer accidents in the horse and buggy days is that drivers didn't have to depend wholly on their own intelligence.

The County Water Department is hiring!
Applicants must be rude and be able to keep customers on hold for at least 45 minutes.

Utility is when you have one telephone;
Luxury is when you have two and Paradise is when you have none.

It's astonishing how politicians never say anything, yet always insist they're being

A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance.

People seem to get nostalgic about a lot of things they weren't so crazy about the
first time around.

At graduation time, millions of graduates go out to seek their fortunes, while millions of parents try to rebuild theirs.

The laws barring felons the right to vote will gradually be changed as the politicians begin getting paroled.

These days, if you have green money it's gone bad.

A pessimist is an optimist who's been to Las Vegas.

It's a wise father who burns all his old report cards.

Average oil company profits skyrocket.
Mission accomplished!

Things always look better when you can't see them.

Some people have all the commitment of a kamikaze pilot on his tenth mission.

If you want the last word in an argument, say, "You're right."

It's nice to be remembered, but it's safer to be forgotten.

To write with a broken pencil is pointless.

No matter what goes wrong, there is always somebody who knew it would.

It's a miracle that curiosity survives formal education.

One of the best things people can have up their sleeves is a funny bone.

Why don't Spanish channels have English translations?

A critic is a man who knows the way but can't drive the car.

What you don't see with your eyes, don't invent with your mouth.

A lawyer is someone who writes an eighty-page document and calls it a brief!


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